The Birds and The Bees of Electricity
The Birds and The Bees of Electricity:
“A Chrismith Story“
Me: “Hey kids, who wants to help me put up the Christmas tree?”
All 4: “Meeee! I do! I do!”
Me: “Can someone help me string the lights?”
Jallas: “I’ll do it, the lights are the best part and Dad says they need to be done the right way or it looks stupid.”
Me: “OK, make sure you start connecting the string of lights at the top of the tree, then make your way down.”
Jallas: “What do you mean by connect?”
Me: “You just plug the male and female adapters together, and it will make it twice as long.”
Jallas: “How do I know which is which?”
Me: “You know, the boy adapter has the prong thingy and the girl adapter has the hole so you ne
ed to… oh, that came out the wrong way… forget that I just said that.”
SeanBlade: “Boy plugs have prongs and girls have holes?”
Sasha: “Mom, why do the girl plugs have the hole?” She looks at the plug, then to her lap, then back to the plug with a confused expression.
Me: “Yes sweetie, we’ve been over this, remember? You can ask me questions later, but for now let’s get these lights up, yay!”
Clover: “Hurry up Jallas, you just push them together like this.” She made two little fists and pretended to plug the adapters in by banging them together forcefully. She clenched her jaw and flared her nostrils. +whap whap whap+
Stifling a laugh I responded, “Don’t blame me, blame Dad. He’s the one that explained the connector fastener gender concept to me so I would bring him the right parts from the closet for his project. I guess I never thought of it, you know, that way.”
Jallas: “That’s messed up.”
Sean: “If this is the plug’s penis, then what are these other two prongs sticking up, three penises?” He pointed to the male adapter.
Me: “Honey, no, I just said the wrong thing. Why don’t you turn some Christmas music on?”
Sean: “But mom, do plugs have three pen…”
Clover: “Come on! Push them together Jallas, just turn the Christmas tree on!”
Sasha: “Wait, why does the girl have a hole again?”
I turned my back so they wouldn’t see my reaction. This was all too much! My kids weren’t going to let me off the hook so easily. I tried to cover up my laugh with a lame cough.
Sean: “Is Mom laughing or crying?”
Jallas: “She’s laughing because she just explained the birds and the bees of electricity.”
Me: “No sweetie, let’s talk about this later when dad is home; it’s not a conversation for little ears.”
Sean: “Mom, did you say a swear?”
Clover: “Hey! I’m not little and I don’t have a penis!”
Sean: “No, but you have a hole!”
Clover: “I’m not a butthole! Mom, he swore the “B” word at me!”
Me: “Honey, that’s not the “B” word and he didn’t say you had a penis. Look kids, if you all just forget I said anything I’ll give you some of my Dr. Pepper, OK?”
Jallas:“Don’t worry Mom, we won’t tell dad you (finger quotes) ’swore’ today.”
The movie A Christmas Story was on in the background. I heard the quote: “Only one thing in the world could’ve dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window…”Jallas gave me a knowing look and we both lost it. Air broke through my nose and mouth simultaneously and made a weird “phhhhtttbbbttssss” noise, and I sprayed spit all over my leg.
Jallas pointed at me and grabbed his side. He was laughing so hard the sound he made was that of a honking seal. He rolled over and put his face into the carpet and went into a honk/coughing fit. I crossed my legs and wiggled back and forth so I didn’t pee my pants. Tears and mascara ran down my cheeks. Jallas turned bright red and pounded on the ground gasping for air.
I learned five things that night-
1- It had been way too long since I had a really good laugh.
2- I’m not a pretty laugher.
3- I have the same sense of humor and oblivious naivety as a 12-year-old boy.
4- It was time to have another “body talk” with the kids as it seems that using anatomically correct words like penis and vagina don’t work as well as more function descriptive words like prong and hole.
5- No matter how under-qualified I feel, my kids still think I’m the most interesting mom in the world.
On a more serious note—gasp, she can be serious?! Yes, I am very capable of this—parenting isn’t always funny. Truth be told, it seems like there are a lot more downs than ups these days. While we work though our shortcomings and cope with life’s challenges, I find it a great release to record them. Good or bad, those are the memories that you will cherish forever. I urge you to write them down in your own words and with your own style, however that may look. I choose humor because I have a lot of empathy for women and mothers, heaven knows we could all use a good laugh. My hope for all of you this new year is to find small moments where you can let go and laugh until you’re ugly. It has been a dream and honor to write for you all, thank you for your support. May peace always be with you. -Jenergy Smith