Peeing on a Stick For Answers
Peeing on a Stick: Getting Answers to Life’s Biggest Questions Using the Dipstick Method.
Some of my biggest life changing moments were confirmed with a pregnancy test. Whether it was yes or no, pink or blue, negative or positive, I got an answer that was 99% accurate and all I had to do was sprinkle tinkle. It prepared me to accept the idea that my life was either going to drastically change, or things were going to stay exactly the same.
There is no way to describe how intense it is to wait those 2–3 minutes to get the results of a pregnancy test. Palms sweating, heart pounding, and head racing, the freakishly loud ticking of the egg timer—tick tick tick RING—it’s time to look. Yikes, that’s not what I expected!
Another time I remember using this method was when I was young and stupidly in love. I went on the Atkins diet which, during that time, was touted the best way to lose weight quickly. They recommended using “ketostix” to confirm that your body was in ketosis (otherwise known as the fat-burning stage). I wanted to fit into the wedding dress of my dreams and knew that I had to take drastic measures to get there ASAP. I was, after all, so happy and in love with my dress, and getting married in it was worth it, right? I have to admit that after about day four I was tired of having chicken with a side of chicken, baked inside a chicken seasoned with chicken, served on a bed of, yup, you guessed it, one broccoli floret.
My brain was in a fog and my hand was shaking from low blood sugar as I pathetically dipped several strips in my pee cup and watched ALL of them intently. I watched the colored stick turn from white to baby pink, to light pink, to medium pink, to medium pink, to…medium pink? That’s it?! MEDIUM? It’s was supposed to go at least red if not dark purple! Did I sit on a package of Skittles and somehow absorb the sugar into my body? Did the toothpaste I brushed my teeth with earlier that morning kick me out of the ketosis club? Was the food porn dream I had about eating donuts so realistic that my results were skewed?!
I was so frustrated I flung the test sticks across the bathroom and one of them stuck to the side of the wall. I stared at it as it slid down the tile leaving a little yellow wet trail behind. It was then that I realized what a mess I had become. I was so focused on getting to the end result that I forgot a few minor details such as, my boyfriend hadn’t yet proposed to me and he was kind of a jerk. That day I felt like I got a 99% accurate answer as to whether or not I was on the right track in our relationship. The next day two things happened: First, I broke up with my boyfriend who later proved himself to be a total loser anyway, and second, I ate 300 pancakes and went into a carb coma for a couple of days which made the ending of our relationship surprisingly painless.
So as you can see, peeing on a stick and getting answers to all of life’s major and minor decisions would be extremely convenient. I wish they could make a test like this for more than cannabis detection, pregnancy, or diabetes. And yeah, there are days where I’d rather my yellow waters tell me what to do than make up my own mind.
Q: What should I have for dinner?
Q: Should we stay here or move out-of-state?
A: Ask again later.
Q: Should I light this bag of cat crap on fire and stick it on their porch?
A: No, knock it off.