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Parenting Tips in a Nutshell

Funny parenting tips in a nutshell…

Jallas: “MOM! Where is my back pack?” (Watching TV)

Me: “Hummm, closet?”

Jallas: “MOOOM, where’s my… uh…” (Continues watching TV intently)

Me: “Dude. Closet. Look there.”

Jallas: “Mom, I need my backpack for school! It’s got my homework in the place thingy, and a paper for you to sign and my water bottle and…” (With his eyes locked on the TV he taps his foot because half of him knows he needs to focus on the task at hand and the other half is sucked into cartoons).

Me: “Ahem.” (Standing with my arms folded watching him watch TV).

Jallas: “Moooo… Oh, there you are. Where’s my backpack?”

Me: “I told you, like, three times already.”

Jallas: “Ugh, seriously, you think you tell me stuff all the time but you don’t.” (Stomps off).

Me: “You don’t seem to have a problem listening to the television. Hey, maybe you should see if it would adopt you? When you get hungry go to channel 42, that’s the Food Network!”

Jallas: “Never mind. I found it in the closet, also the Food Network is actually channel 40 but nice try.”

Me: “In the closet?! You can’t be serious, why would it be in there?

Jallas: “I know, I know, you were right.”

Me: “If you would listen to me once in a while maybe you wouldn’t lose your backpack, forget your lunch money, or kick your nut cup at people in karate class.”

Jallas: “Yeah that was funny, everyone scattered pretty fast.” (Makes a flinching motion and pretends to scream. We both burst out laughing)

Now that Jallas is almost a tweenager we find ourselves butting heads over things like taking personal responsibility and safety seriously. We may not see eye to eye on this subject now but one thing that has helped us avoid arguments is to use dramatic humor to diffuse a difficult, scary, or embarrassing situation. Jallas had a moment like that last week and asked me if was “blog worthy” and immediately I said yes! Think about it, you can’t really stay upset if you feel like laughing. Just like you can’t really laugh without smiling, it’s more of an open mouth “huuuuuuh” sound. If you haven’t tried it, do so now. I promise it will make your day!

 

nosmilelaugh

 

So anyway, last Wednesday night the boys were practicing their “sweet karate moves” on each other because they had a sparring test the next day at school. I decided to get their stuff ready the night before so we would be on time. I took out the permission form to make sure it was signed and noticed at the bottom it said that the boys would need an athletic cup to participate. Oh goodie, I get to go to Wal-Mart at 11:00 at night, I thought. Downton Abby you will have to wait, mama needs to go get her boys a nutty buddy. As if they didn’t look awkward enough doing karate let’s add that to the mix.  

 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/37873897@N06/8038223796/sizes/n/in/photostream/
 
The next morning I showed the cups to the boys and tried to explain how they worked. I could tell that Jallas was only half listening because, ewww, mom was talking about how to wear a hard hat for underwear, how embarrassing! I jokingly asked him if he wanted me to come and help him put it on and he adamantly assured me he could do it himself. When we got to the school the boys went off to change and I nervously paced waiting for the class to start. There wasn’t much time to change let alone figure out how to put on the weird new apparatus so Jallas just shoved it loosely in his pants.
When it was his turn he was very focused and exaggerated his movements so the judges could see how hard he had worked. His routine was almost finished and on the last move he performed a kick with the ferocity of a Jackie Chan stunt.  When he reached full extension the nut cup, which apparently had slipped off to the side, shot out of the bottom of his pants and into the crowd of spectating students. Thankfully, it hit the support beam first and then slid across the floor. When his classmates realized what it was there was a collective bum scoot panic to get away from it.

The teacher yelled: “Grow up boys, you all have one.”My reaction was giggling because, of course, the boys all have one. What else would they be protecting, their entire body? I imagined overly protective parents chasing their kids around with big plastic cups trying to protect them. “C’mere kids, it will be safe in the protective embrace of your Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut. Yeah, it’s a little humid, but you’ll get used to it.” 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ishanmanjrekar/6046501352/

 

6 Comments
  • Considerer on September 9, 2013

    Zed. Oh. Em. Eff. Gee. That’s HILARIOUS 🙂 So glad you wrote it up XD

  • Rachel Masterson on September 10, 2013

    As always my friend, you never disappoint! My husband and I both laughed at this! My 13 year old son sounds a lot like your boys 🙂

  • Caren on September 15, 2013

    Must. wipe. tears. from. LAUGHTER! I don’t envy the tweenager years. My oldest was a nightmare bet 11-12, but somehow has mellowed some for 13. Of course, my mother loves to tell me that I was at my supreme bitchiness at 14, so let’s both hope she’s wrong on that one.

    Anyway, you’re a great writer – esp with dialogue. Not an easy thing to do. Let me know when you’re ready to teach your ‘Writing Dialogue for Reals” blogosphere class so I can sign up. Seriously.

    • Jenergy on September 15, 2013

      I would totally rock a class like that! Well, that is until I got out into the parking lot and was attacked by a gang of feral editors screaming at me for ruining the English language due to my incessant breaking of writing rules. Still, Caren, for you it would be worth it! Thank you for your sweet comments, made my day!

      Me: “Dialogue for ever’ buddy!” (Does the Electric Slide dance to an obscure Garth Brooks song)

      Caren: “Wow Jen, that is quite the dance, do you mind if I join you?” (Jumps in line)

      Me: “I’d be offended if you didn’t, you’ve got some sweet moves, is that the Hora Agadati?!” (Face flushes, armpit sweat rings make and appearance)

      Caren: “It totally is! Did you just Google “names of Jewish dances” so you had something else to add to this dialogue that might be getting a little out of control?”

      Me: “I DID! Want to see my Scottish bag pipe dance move interpretation?” (leaping. leaping. leaping)

      Caren: “Uhhh, I’m good. Your getting a little sweaty, so maybe you should take a break?”

      Me: “Awe, OK. I was having a hard time breathing anyway.” (Does an obnoxious scissor kick and throws hip out of place)

      Caren: “Well, this was weird. Thanks for dialogue and dance moves. Talk to you later… maybe.” (waves goodbye)

      Me: “Owwwww! Not again…”

  • Caren on September 19, 2013

    HAHAHAHAHAHA! That was AWWWWSUHM! Come over so we can work on that comedy already!

  • mike on November 7, 2013

    Funny stuff. Since I started blogging, my wife constantly says “is this going on your blog?”

All-You-Can-Say-Buffet!

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