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Hysterical Casserole

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Fighting with Robots

Do you know what I hate?  Robots.  

Really Jen, robots?  You don’t mean the programmable automated metal creatures that could be the greatest gift to mankind and an unfulfilled promise of science fiction, do you?

Yes, those very ones.  Bah Robots!

It all started when I decided to move from Blogspot to my own website.  I took for granted how easy it was to post, change things, and shift my blog around without incurring any permanent internal damage but when I switched to a more professional site, things got serious very quickly.  I had to learn a whole new way of thinking when it came to writing for web crawlers, search engine optimization, meta data, keywords, coding, HTML and… and… omigosh it’s happening again… spontaneous technological narcolepsy (STN).  Whenever something robotic or boring is being discussed my brain goes into a forced energy-saving mode.  Goodbye!

Hysterical Casserole

Zzzzz… whaaa, snort, snort!  Where am I?  What’s going on? Mommy?  Oh, never mind I guess I’m still here, how long have I been out?     

You know, there are things in this world that are so indescribably tedious to Right Brain that remaining conscious is not an option.  An example of this would be coding.  I can’t seem to get the hang of coding at all, unless you count all the times I lost my kids in Wal-Mart and the employees had to announce a “Code Adam.”  That kind of coding has happened more times than I care to admit and it’s not so fun having the entire store shut down while I pretend that my kid has wandered off when really, they were probably hiding from me.  At the very least, I should add professional Child Loser and Coder of Adams to my list of talents.

I am quite surprised at how much there is to know about building and maintaining a website.  Fortunately, I was able to get someone to do most of the dirty work for me; I admiringly (or annoyingly, depends on who you ask) call him “Mr. Programmer Face.” He showed me how to go back and SEO optimize all my old posts which is why you see a lot of changes.  According to the Googlebots I was a hot mess of nonsense which as we all know, is the first ingredient in spam.  Robots hate spam. 

Bad robotCC by-2.0 firepile and dalangalma via Flickr

Learning all this technical stuff has not been an easy task.  If Mr. Programmer Face didn’t keep his explanations short and simple after a while I would start hearing, “robot, robot, robot, I’m going to robore you to death.” I gave my best effort to understand the nerd vomit being downloaded into both my right brains and for a fleeting moment, I thought I had it all figured out.

I accidentally my

CC by-2.0 Noah Sussman via Flickr

When I sat down to make the necessary adjustments not only was I totally lost, I felt like I knew less than when he first started teaching me.  Can too much information make people dumber?  I say yes! Not even my best half-educated guesses or the YouTube tutorials saved me from destroying the site a few times.  I had to call Mr. Programmer Face in a panic because the website “Code Adam’d” and I didn’t know why.  I find it annoying when the robots put an entire website on lock down just because the HTML code has a MISSING PERIOD in it, no wonder computer programmers are so high-strung!

 

popcorn

What did that robot say?

{*whispering*} on a side note ladies, all I’m saying is that women are not the only ones who suffer from missing periods and PMS issues.  On both coding mishaps I had to put up with man PMS such as:  Programmer Mad Sometimes and Policeman’s Menacing Scowl.  First, I got yelled at by a grumpy cop for losing my kid in the popcorn aisle at the store and then later by Mr. Programmer Face because I tampered with the HTML code and ate popcorn over his keyboard. Mmmmm popcorn is delicious and distracting, especially when it’s drizzled with “golden magic sauce” (that’s what I call butter for all you robots out there).

 

So anyway, after my 3rd failed attempt to simplify all the creative titles for SEO optimization I got frustrated and yelled at Mr. Programmer Face: “This is creative castration; I’m trying to be unique not a eunuch!”

Mr. Programmer Face firmly responded with:  “YOU. NEED. TO. SPEAK. THE. ROBOT. LANGUAGE. OR. IT. CANNOT. UNDERSTAND. YOU. AND. THEY. WILL. IGNORE. YOU. LIKE. SPAM.”   

Me: “Ohhh, really? Well that makes total sense.  Write common concise words, why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”

Mr. Programmer Face:  “I did, many times, in fact.”         

mad programmerCC by SA-2.0 by Claus Rebler

Ah ha!  No wonder I was having a hard time understanding these concepts, robots and I don’t get along.  They are condescending, controlling and complicated programs who are trying to spank all the humans who do not conform to their ways.  You don’t have to watch the Syfy channel to know that’s true.  Here are a few examples of how robots are out to get me:  

Me: “Oooo what should I make for dinner? Hey, I know let’s find a new recipe!”( Typety typety Google typety enter button)

Google: Derp derp…

Google funny suggestion

Me: “HeeeyGoogle, that’s not nice!”

And here we see Siri hijacking my auto-correct to make me look super dorky!

autocorrect fail

Me: “Hey Siri, stop auto-correcting my words you piece of shut!”

Siri: “Now, now.”

The last example is about the time I flipped out on the phone trying to reach a live person at my insurance company.  I got stuck trying to communicate with a clueless automated system with a bad attitude. 

Orange Bucket: “Thank you for calling Orange Bucket Insurance, for quality assurance this call may be monitored.  Please state the reason for your call today.”

Me: “I need help changing my policy.”

Orange Bucket: “OK. I think you said you need to speak with Chang Lin, is that right? “

Me: “No.”

Orange Bucket:  “Sorry I did not get that.  Please state the reason for your call today.”

Me: “I neeed hel-pah changeeeeng my POOOLICY.”

Orange Bucket:  “Thank you.  Transferring you to the department, New Policies.”

ME: “GAH!”

(I hang up and call back)

Orange Bucket: “Thank you for calling Orange bucket insur..”

ME: “Customerservice”.

Orange Bucket:  “I’m sorry I do not understand, Mustard Cervix.  Please repeat the reason for your call today.  You can say things like, policy help, customer claims, or say the last name of the person you are trying to reach.”

ME: “CUSTOMER SERVICE, IDOT!”

Orange Bucket: “I’m sorry I do not understand, Custard Circus Midget.  Please repeat the reason for your call today.  You can say things like, policy help, customer claims, or say the last name of the person you are trying to reach.”

Husband: “You are talking way too fast. Half the time humans don’t understand what you are saying, how do you expect an automated service to do it?”

Me: “Fine, Mr. King of Enunciation, you do it.”

Husband: (grabs phone) …”Policy help.”

Orange Bucket: “Transferring you to the department, Customer Service. Thank you.”

Husband: “See? They know when you are being patient.” 

Me: “They only listen to you because you are one of them, it’s not my fault your people don’t understand me.”

Husband:  “You act like technology has something against you personally; I assure you we are not out to get you. I mean, THEY aren’t out to get you.”

Me: “Hmmm… you sure seem to know a lot these days.  I’ve got my eye on you.”

Husband: (robot dances) “Danger Will Robinson! Danger!” 

automated systems

 

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21 Comments
  • Adam on June 14, 2013

    I loved this post… totally epic! BEEP….BEEP!

    • Annie on June 14, 2013

      I think that “Adam” guy may be a robot. Just saying.

      • jenergy on June 14, 2013

        Hmmm you do? Should I try to fight him then? Actually let’s offer him Spam and see what he does!

    • Jenergy on June 14, 2013

      Hey there lil’ buddy, want some SPAM?!?!?!

      • Annie on June 14, 2013

        I think he ran away. Total robot.

  • Kathy on June 17, 2013

    And don’t forget the medical office robots. “Would you like to speak to doctor a,b,or c. ? No doctors are available at this time. Do you need a pharmacy refill? Have your pharmacy fax a request to 123-4567. Sorry this is an incorrect fax number. press 1 if you would like to talk to a dr? Press 2 if you need a refill press 3 if you would like to talk to the receptionist. Our regular office hours are Monday through Friday 9:00 to 5:00. If you have received this recording we are experiencing a busy day so leave us a message and we will return your call in a month or two. And oh by the way if your trying to reschedule your appointment. DON’T. We will charge you for your missed appointment. If you want to leave a message for dr A. Press 1. If you would like to leave a message for dr B. press 2 now. Dr. C doesn’t have a message system and since he is your doctor and is going to charge you for missing your appointment just hang up now or send a fax to 123-4567!!!!!!

    • Jenergy on June 18, 2013

      Hahaha! Exactly! I bet the people from your doctors office are in cahoots with the people from my insurance agency!

  • Jamison on June 26, 2013

    Robots seem to always bring up the error code: ” user = id10t ” whenever I have a problem. Do you know where humans got the idea of using beeps in place of cussing for TV shows? Well it’s from their own computers. Every time we make a mistake it beeps at us and tells us what stupid thing we did, or what robots would like to call an “error”. Over the years Microsoft has just softened the blow we take from our computers by changing the old Windows 95 beeps to nice lovely whistles and chimes. Oh, and let’s not talk about the old dial-up modems. Those things could out “beep” an old sailor. Things that come out of their speakers are not for the faint of heart.

    • Jenergy on June 26, 2013

      Hahaha that makes so much sense!!

  • Erica M on July 16, 2013

    I sometimes think there should be a regional accents option before you start speaking. “Press 1 for Friday Night Lights, Press 2 for Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Press 3 for Woody Allen’s Manhattan.” That way, when I start talking, the system can understand one gd word I am trying to say!

    Next time you have a 600 words or fewer post, please feel free to bring your goodness over to yeah write. We’d love to have you.

    • Jenergy on July 18, 2013

      Brilliant! I think we should start a petition for companies to make regionally accurate accents. If we have to listen to that nonsense we should be able to understand it LOL.
      Thanks for the invite to Yeah Write! Don’t mind if I do!

  • arianne on July 20, 2013

    I swear I’m not a robot, but I love learning code! I have this weird part of my brain that is super dooper good at remembering long pointless strings of numbers and letters. It comes in very handy for memorizing my husband’s credit card numbers, haha! Maybe I should become an HTML programmer!

    p.s. Just to prove I’m not a robot, I love golden magic sauce!!

  • Lynn on July 30, 2013

    HAHAHAHAHAHA! So funny!! A cell phone that I once shared a past with, met an untimely death… all due to those phone routing menus. Damn robot pissed me off so badly I threw my phone at the wall. That felt SO good. Until I had to explain to my husband why I was patching the wall. And why I had to buy a new phone. Good times. Gooooood times.

  • Considerer on August 9, 2013

    Awwwww dude, you got autocucumbered ten ways to next week!

    • Jenergy on August 12, 2013

      Bahaha! “autocucumbered”!!!

  • Chris Dean on August 9, 2013

    You just made the decision for me…I’m NEVER leaving blogger (as much as I talk smack about it. At least if the whole thing implodes, I have someone else to blame it on!) Thanks!

    • Jenergy on August 12, 2013

      Hahaha, well don’t take my word for it! If you are super right brained and you don’t want to get repeatedly “windmill slapped” by a frustrated and shrill programmer for messing up, it might be wise to stay ;). I am starting to get the hang of things though and it has gotten easier.

  • Caren on September 21, 2013

    Stop it! Stop it! Tears in my eyes…so true and funny. I get you, sista. And I feel your pain. I haven’t moved to my own site for the same reasons you list.

    I’m afraid. Very afraid.

    Keep writing. You’re awesome.

  • mike on October 12, 2013

    Awesome that you dared to tackle a big move. I am so new to blogging that without the mindless ability of blogger I would be in much worse shape than I currently am. Unlike you, I like robots, preferably the terminator types, waiting anxiously for Judgement Day or Linda Hamilton to show up.

    • Jenergy on October 13, 2013

      Hahahahaha!! That is funny! Does the fact that my husband named our WiFi network “Skynet” make us appear any cooler?

      • mike on October 13, 2013

        it makes you either way cooler or nerdier, not sure which. i will go with cooler.

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