Holy Embarrassing… How I Accidentally Spanked and Pantsed Myself Myself at Church!
The following is a true story, some might find it a little unbelievable but those who know me will agree my embarrassing stories sometimes come in streaks.
Surprisingly, we made it to church before the meeting started but the only seats left were at the very front of the room so I dragged everyone down the aisle and we parked our Crazy-Train front and center. Not long after the hymn, the kids all start whining for food. I’ve served the kids small sandwiches for breakfast in bed before without too many crumbs getting anywhere so “breakfast in church-pew” shouldn’t be too much harder, right? So my brilliant idea was to tear small pieces of sandwich off a little at a time and hand them out. That seemed to work great and they were quiet for about 15 minutes until my youngest son announced: “I have to go poop right now!” Since he was still potty training I knew I had to act quickly so I told my oldest son to help feed the kids while I took SeanBlade to the bathroom. As I was standing up my heel got caught in the hem of my skirt that was being held up by a worn out elastic band and yup sure enough, it slid down past my left butt cheek and I had officially pants myself. I slammed my butt back down on the seat and froze.
In my mind a voice was yelling “Don’t just sit there, do something!!! Pull your pants back up!” After a few seconds I finally reacted and wiggled downward to get my skirt back up. I could heard a woman behind me say “did that just really happen, poor thing!” Her husband and his friend covered their mouths to stifle a laugh. I thought my face was going to melt off with burning hot embarrassment but didn’t have much time to dwell on it because SeanBlade was already walking toward the bathroom shouting “Mom, it’s going to come out!” I stood up again and trying to pretend like nothing happened and headed to the back. The weird thing was that as I stepped down the aisle I felt a bomp bomp bomp on my backside with each step. I looked back totally confused, who keeps spanking my butt? It seemed like everyone was staring at me with the same confused expression.
What happened next took me completely by surprise, I got tackled by what felt like a bag of warm musk-scented flesh wrinkles. My rescuer dragged me out into the hall and whispered “Oh honey, hurry out you need help.” I staggered backwards and I realized it was one of the sweet old women in our neighborhood. Her daughter was behind me slapping the back of my dress over and over. “What the?!” I looked back just in time to see a Nutella and peanut butter sandwich plop to the ground. It was then that I realized what happened. Due to the extreme force I used to sit down it splatted and then I smeared brown all the way up the back of me when I tried to slide the skirt back on. I was a huge mess. In a half hour time period I managed to moon the entire congregation and then streak brown all over my khaki knit skirt. I gave up at that point and we all went home. I had a few sweet sisters stop by and check on me and one even dropped off Nutella cookies with a note that said “heard you had a bad day don’t worry I cleaned off the bench, hope you are OK.” For the record I have not bought Nutella since, it still brings me shame, but Hubs was right I can laugh about it now (a little bit).