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Holy Embarrassing!

Holy Embarrassing… How I Accidentally Spanked and Pantsed Myself Myself at Church! 

The following is a true story, some might find it a little unbelievable but those who know me will agree my embarrassing stories sometimes come in streaks. 

“One day you will laugh at this” is what my loving DH said to me while I was sitting on the bed clutching the phone and telling him all about the most embarrassing moment of my adult life. He was away on business and had been for a couple of weeks. I was trying to act like I totally had it together so he wouldn’t worry about the kids and me but the truth was that I was tired, overwhelmed, and at my wits end being a single mom. It was an early Sunday morning and the kids and I were tearing the house apart trying to get ready. When everyone had their clothes on and hair combed I loaded up the van and just as I was about to get in myself they all started crying about not getting to eat breakfast (how could I forget to feed the kids, again?! GAH!) So I ran back inside and made them all a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich on homemade bread; “at least it’s whole wheat,” I told myself.

chapel

Surprisingly, we made it to church before the meeting started but the only seats left were at the very front of the room so I dragged everyone down the aisle and we parked our Crazy-Train front and center. Not long after the hymn, the kids all start whining for food. I’ve served the kids small sandwiches for breakfast in bed before without too many crumbs getting anywhere so “breakfast in church-pew” shouldn’t be too much harder, right?  So my brilliant idea was to tear small pieces of sandwich off a little at a time and hand them out. That seemed to work great and they were quiet for about 15 minutes until my youngest son announced: “I have to go poop right now!” Since he was still potty training I knew I had to act quickly so I told my oldest son to help feed the kids while I took SeanBlade to the bathroom. As I was standing up my heel got caught in the hem of my skirt that was being held up by a worn out elastic band and yup sure enough, it slid down past my left butt cheek and I had officially pants myself.  I slammed my butt back down on the seat and froze.

In my mind a voice was yelling “Don’t just sit there, do something!!! Pull your pants back up!” After a few seconds I finally reacted and wiggled downward to get my skirt back up. I could heard a woman behind me say “did that just really happen, poor thing!” Her husband and his friend  covered their mouths to stifle a laugh. I thought my face was going to melt off with burning hot embarrassment but didn’t have much time to dwell on it because SeanBlade was already walking toward the bathroom shouting “Mom, it’s going to come out!” I stood up again and trying to pretend like nothing happened and headed to the back.  The weird thing was that as I stepped down the aisle I felt a bomp bomp bomp on my backside with each step. I looked back totally confused, who keeps spanking my butt?  It seemed like everyone was staring at me with the same confused expression.

nuttella

What happened next took me completely by surprise, I got tackled by what felt like a bag of warm musk-scented flesh wrinkles.  My rescuer dragged me out into the hall and whispered “Oh honey, hurry out you need help.” I staggered backwards and I realized it was one of the sweet old women in our neighborhood. Her daughter was behind me slapping the back of my dress over and over. “What the?!” I looked back just in time to see a Nutella and peanut butter sandwich plop to the ground. It was then that I realized what happened. Due to the extreme force I used to sit down it splatted and then I smeared brown all the way up the back of me when I tried to slide the skirt back on. I was a huge mess. In a half hour time period I managed to moon the entire congregation and then streak brown all over my khaki knit skirt.  I gave up at that point and we all went home.   I had a few sweet sisters stop by and check on me and one even dropped off Nutella cookies with a note that said “heard you had a bad day don’t worry I cleaned off the bench, hope you are OK.” For the record I have not bought Nutella since, it still brings me shame, but Hubs was right I can laugh about it now (a little bit).


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11 Comments
  • Mandi on July 18, 2013

    I literally snorted while reading this! It’s always crazy things like this that we can laugh at later.

    • Jenergy on July 21, 2013

      Ha! I find it a lot more flattering when someone snorts or spits their food when reading my articles because as all of us moms know, it doesn’t take much to accidentally pee a little anymore. Thanks Mandi!

  • Melinda on September 6, 2013

    SO FUNNY! Thanks for sharing your humiliating moment with us. I’ve had some of those myself. I love a good sense of humor.

    • Jenergy on September 6, 2013

      Well, you are most welcome. I wish my stories stopped there but I guess fortunately for me I have enough of them to write an entire blog! Stay tuned.

  • MeliaS on September 6, 2013

    Oh my! I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. I am glad you can laugh about it now. I would have wanted to move.

    • Jenergy on September 6, 2013

      Still Melia, still, I want to move! I can see the stain on the bench to this day. I bet you didn’t know Nutella stains, did you ? Neither did I.

  • Kara on September 6, 2013

    Holy Cow! I laughed so hard! Thanks for that! My husband is in the military and travels on a regular basis as well. I swear that the kids pull out all the stops while he is gone…especially during church! And usually the most embarrassing things happen when he’s gone too. But nothing like this. I’m sure glad you can laugh about it now! And bring the rest of us some joy. Happy day!

    • Jenergy on September 6, 2013

      Hahaha you are so welcome Kara! I have SO much respect for military wives! You are all amazing; I’d be honored to entertain you with my antics anytime!

  • Rachel Masterson on September 9, 2013

    Oh my gosh. I laughed until I cried! I had a similar experience while running after my toddler down the aisle at church and my heel got caught and I almost showed half a moon but I caught it in time (I think?) I hope nobody noticed because I never heard anyone talking about it… Thanks for sharing!

    • Jenergy on September 9, 2013

      You are so welcome! The best thing about sharing my moments is the brave people who are willing to share theirs too! You’re the best :).

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